Key Takeaways
- Stop actively seeking mentees and start living a life worth emulating
- "When the teacher is ready, the student appears"
- Take the lowest seat at the table, focusing on service rather than prestige
- Love people genuinely without expecting to be their teacher
- Your own struggles and growth process become your most valuable teaching tools
The Mentorship Paradox
In the final installment of the Foundation of Manhood series, Chris offers a perspective that challenges conventional wisdom: "This episode, we're going to be talking about mentees, and it's actually going to be way less about the mentees and a lot more about you and becoming the kind of man who somebody would want to be mentored by."
This paradoxical approach—focusing less on finding mentees and more on becoming mentor-worthy—forms the cornerstone of effective male leadership across generations.
When Mentorship Goes Wrong
Chris begins with vulnerability about his own experiences: "This has kind of been a bit of a not a touchy subject, but it hasn't gone well for me because I was the guy who, you know, wanted somebody to look up to. And I had some friends, I had some mentors that like, like it went well for a while, but then it eventually went badly."
Many men have similar stories—mentoring relationships that started with good intentions but soured over time. Often, these failures stem from mentors who:
- Were motivated by ego rather than service
- Used mentees to validate their own wisdom
- Positioned themselves as having all the answers
- Failed to maintain their own growth journey
The Guiding Light: When the Teacher is Ready
The most important principle for potential mentors comes from an ancient proverb: "When the teacher is ready, the student appears."
This reverses our usual thinking. Instead of seeking out mentees to validate our wisdom, we focus on becoming the kind of person whose life naturally attracts those seeking guidance.
"You don't need to go out and look for mentees, young people to mentor," Chris explains. "Like, that's not your job."
This doesn't mean professional mentoring has no place, but in the realm of life wisdom and character development, authentic mentorship flows naturally from authentic living.
Take the Lowest Seat
Chris references a biblical parable about feast seating arrangements, drawing a powerful parallel: "Don't try to put yourself at the head of the table, because then the master of the feast might come by and say, no, no, no, no, you don't go up this side. You need to go sit at the foot of the table."
The application is clear:
- Don't position yourself as an expert
- Be humble and teachable
- Acknowledge your own ongoing growth
- Serve others rather than seeking to be served
- Let others recognize your wisdom rather than proclaiming it
"Take the lowest seat at the table, you become the servant. You become the person who is stupid, who doesn't know what they're doing," Chris advises.
The paradoxical result? "Over time, you'll find that you're actually sitting, like, in the middle of the table instead of at the foot. Or maybe you're sitting at the head of the table instead of the foot."
From Self-Focused to Other-Focused
Tilghman shares his own transformation from seeking validation to genuine service:
"I used to be looking for people to teach. I used to be like, oh, kind of selfish in a way. If I have people that are going to look up to me, it's going to make me feel better about myself."
The turning point came with a simple shift: "I stopped trying to find people, and I started loving people."
This change in approach—from self-focused to other-focused—made all the difference. "I've noticed more people coming to me and just asking simple life questions, advice."
Authentic Vulnerability Attracts Authentic Seekers
Both men touch on how their own struggles, particularly with explicit content on the internet, have become avenues for mentoring others. Not because they've achieved perfection, but because they're walking a path of growth that others can relate to.
Tilghman notes how younger men will approach him with these struggles "if you're questioning, like, hey, I want to be able to do this, and I think I might know someone that can that has gone through this, maybe is still going through it that can help me out."
Chris affirms this reality: "I did not see any point where I could, where I could possibly be, like, truly free of all that." But through community and faith, he found a path forward—not perfect, but progressively free.
This vulnerability—acknowledging ongoing struggles while demonstrating progressive victory—proves more magnetic to potential mentees than polished perfection ever could.
The Expanding Capacity to Love
One of the most beautiful insights comes when Tilghman describes what happens after authentic mentoring: "After you help someone, after you mentor someone, your love for people just grows. You just love so much more for everybody around you."
This creates a virtuous cycle:
- You love people genuinely
- Some naturally seek your guidance
- Helping them increases your capacity to love
- More people are drawn to your expanded heart
- The cycle continues with greater depth and reach
The Call to Lower Yourself
The episode concludes with a simple but challenging call to action: "Where can you take a lower seat at the table? Where can you let go of some power or some prestige that you've been clinging to?"
This isn't about false humility or abandoning leadership positions. Rather, "It means begin to serve people instead of focusing on your own prestige and position."
In this paradoxical approach, we find the essence of true mentorship—not in seeking followers, but in becoming worth following; not in positioning ourselves as teachers, but in living lives that naturally teach.
The River Completes Its Course
With this final episode, the Foundation of Manhood series completes its exploration of multi-generational masculinity:
- Mentors pouring into you from upstream
- Peers flowing alongside you in the current
- Mentees receiving downstream as you pour out
Each relationship serves a crucial purpose in the development of healthy masculinity. When all three are present, men find themselves participating in something larger than themselves—a continuous flow of wisdom, support, and growth that extends far beyond their individual lives.
The foundation of manhood isn't built in isolation. It's constructed within a community of men who receive, share, and give—creating a legacy that outlasts any individual life.
