When You're the Problem: How Real Men Handle Being Called Out

Posted by Christopher Dearborn on July 24, 2025

Where to Watch/Listen

Episode Live Monday :)

Key Takeaways

Being the problem isn't abnormal - we're human and will make mistakes in relationships
The urge to defend, dismiss, or disassociate when called out is natural but counterproductive
Taking time to process criticism without immediately reacting leads to better outcomes
Your loved ones don't want you to disappear when you mess up - they want you to step up
Humble ownership, prayer/reflection, and recommitment to growth are the path forward

The Uncomfortable Truth We All Face

Chris opens with brutal honesty: "Already, already I'm puckering just a little bit." The topic of being the problem in our relationships makes every man uncomfortable because we've all been there.

"Every now and then in our relationships, whether it be friendships or with your significant other, or even your children or your father... there comes a time where you're gonna mess up, we're human. However, the question is like, what do we do when we are the problem?"

This isn't about airing dirty laundry for sympathy. As Tilghman clarifies: "Don't cry with us - cry and better yourself right... we want to help people learn from our situation."

Chris's Reality Check

Chris shares his recent experience of being confronted by his wife about something he'd messed up. His initial reactions reveal the common male responses to being called out:

The Defense Options:

"You can dismiss it"
"You can maybe get angry and say, wait, but I..."
"You could maybe just sink down into yourself and... try to disassociate"

Chris identifies his pattern: "That's sort of the way I tend to react... I tend to sink down to myself and just like check out... basically like try not to mess anything up."

But this time, something different happened: "During the conversation, it just basically got to the point where I just needed to own and say. Yep. I messed up and I had to ask my wife like, will you forgive me?"

The Process of True Ownership

What makes Chris's story powerful is what happened after the initial confession. The conversation didn't end with forgiveness and everyone living happily ever after.

"For me the problem wasn't solved... It just sort of like, well, there it is. And now I've got to just sort of sit with that."

His process included:

Prayer and reflection - seeking perspective beyond his own understanding
Journaling - "it slows my thoughts down and helps just assemble things outside of my head instead of all the thoughts like swirling around in there"
Seeking resources - finding tools to help improve the relationship
Continuing discovery - realizing deeper issues through ongoing conversation

The breakthrough came days later: "I realized, oh no, I don't have an accurate view of who my wife is. And so yet again, I was the problem... There's ways that I've learned of living from my past that I've got to unlearn and then re-approach my wife."

Tilghman's Marriage Wake-Up Call

Tilghman's vulnerability adds another dimension to the discussion. His story centers on the unique challenges of marrying young and the temptation to feel like you "missed out."

"I've kind of hit that point in my marriage where it's like man... I desire to be a good husband I desire to be a good father... if you get married young you it's easy to think I missed out on all this X Y and Z."

His breakthrough came during their Argentina trip through deep conversations with family: "It really did open my eyes to, wow, Tillman, you've got some work to do, bad... what was I thinking? This last like, this last few years and like, what was I doing? I didn't have my head screwed on right."

The Treading Lightly Trap

Both men identify a common male mistake: after messing up, trying to "tread lightly" and avoid making any more mistakes.

Tilghman explains the problem: "It's easy to look at yourself and be like, you know, I'm just gonna tread lightly and not try to mess anything up. But that's kind of, that's a bad approach in some situations. You wanna be able to step up to the plate."

The irony is cruel: "Having that mindset, I've noticed you're going to mess up again. Like in that mindset, you're going to mess up probably worse because you're going to be in your head about it."

The Work Escape

Tilghman identifies another common male pattern - using work as an escape from relationship problems:

"Men can suffer just a little bit better because we can fill our plates pretty quick. Like we're like, I got to work. I'm just going to focus on work... it's almost like I'm going to ignore everything else and just go focus on my work."

This isn't solving the problem - it's avoiding it while creating the illusion of productivity and responsibility.

The Fence Post Revelation

Tilghman's breakthrough came during physical labor with his wife - digging fence post holes without music or distractions, just "nature, dirt and worms all over the place."

In that environment, honest conversation flowed: "We opened up and, you know, we had both mentioned some things that was heavy on our minds... I feel like I'm more ready and of able mind and body and spirit to step up to the plate now than I was when we first got married."

His wife's response revealed the heart of the issue: "She's helped me realize like, hey, it's been a struggle, but I know who you can be, and that's why I want to stay with you and support you."

The Power Paradox

Chris delivers a crucial insight about what our loved ones actually want when we mess up:

"What people in your life really want from you is not for you to leave... What they really want is for you to take all those things that you have as a man, all that strength, all that aggression, all that drive that you have as a man, and use it for good."

The realization: "My strength, aggression, power and drive is for her. So it's not right to just turn all that off and disassociate because then I'm committing another sin. I'm leaving when she needs me."

They Want You, Not Your Absence

The counterintuitive truth that every man needs to understand: "Whether you mess up or not, they still need you. And they actually... want you. They want you to bring all that you are to the table, all the goodness that you are to the table."

Disappearing isn't noble - it's another form of selfishness. When you've hurt someone, they don't need your absence; they need your presence, your commitment to change, and your strength applied toward healing.

The Path Forward

Chris outlines the practical steps for handling being the problem:

Don't immediately react - "Slow down. Think on it"
Process privately first - "Journal on it... Pray about it"
Don't get defensive - "Just listen"
Come back engaged - "Work hard not to disassociate work hard not to check out"
Bring your strength to bear - Use your drive and power for healing, not hiding

The Reversal Possibility

Tilghman offers hope with a simple but profound question: "Once you realize like, hey, I'm the reason behind of all these feelings. So why can't I just slowly reverse these things that I've done?"

If you created the problem, you can work to uncreate it. But it requires the same intentionality and effort that caused the damage in the first place.

The Normalcy of Mess-Ups

Chris provides essential perspective: "It's okay to be the problem every now and then. Let's put it this way. It's not ideal. No, it's not right. But at the same time, it's not abnormal. Like we're human. We're gonna make mistakes."

The goal isn't perfection - it's mature response to inevitable imperfection.

Your Challenge

The next time someone important to you says "you messed up," resist your initial impulse to defend, dismiss, or disappear. Instead:

Listen without defending
Take time to process before responding
Journal or pray about what you're hearing
Ask yourself what truth might be in their criticism
Come back with humility and a plan for change
Bring your full self to the healing process

Remember: they're not asking you to become someone else. They're asking you to become the best version of who you already are.

The Deeper Work

Sometimes being called out reveals surface issues that point to deeper problems. Chris discovered he didn't have an accurate view of his wife. Tilghman realized he'd been operating from immature patterns established years earlier.

Being the problem isn't just about apologizing for individual mistakes - it's about examining the patterns, assumptions, and habits that create ongoing issues in your relationships.

The Grace Factor

Chris acknowledges the importance of having "gracious people around you" who know how to confront with love rather than cruelty. Not everyone will handle your mistakes perfectly.

But regardless of how others handle your failures, your job remains the same: own what you've done, learn from it, and commit to doing better.

As uncomfortable as it is to admit, sometimes you are the problem. The question is: what kind of man will you be when that's true?

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